What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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