you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Randomize
