So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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