I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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