I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
