Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
