Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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