So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
