I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
