i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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