went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
