mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
