Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
