dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
