We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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