We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
