dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
