saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
