I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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