My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
