i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
