I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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