i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
