im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
