dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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