Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
