She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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