just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize
