last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
