You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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