just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
