Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
