Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
