I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Mom said you looked used
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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