i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
