Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
