The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
