onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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