I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
