Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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