i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
