Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
