theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
