I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
