Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
