I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
