just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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