Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
