The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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