I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
