So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
