Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
