I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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