A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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